simply
invite their own destruction,
and
anyone who insists
on
remaining in a state of innocence
long
after that innocence is dead
turns
himself into a monster."
James
Baldwin
For quite some
time, I believed that my unwillingness to confront the harsh reality that I
observed in some people’s behavior was one of my most prized character
strengths. It took me being emotionally
eviscerated by an individual before I finally began to understand that I was
wholly mistaken in my assessment of this tendency to ignore nonsense as any kind
of strength.
What I subsequently
began to perceive was that I had used this ‘strength’ as a defense against
confronting behavior to ‘save’ myself the challenges that can sometimes seem an
inherent consequence of being honest. It
was never my intention to hurt anyone – anymore than it was my intention to
save myself from suffering the cruelty of the toxicity of dysfunctional
relationships.
Perhaps, if I am
100% honest, I was attempting to
avoid suffering at the hands of people who simply did not care enough about me
and/or my feelings to judiciously consider and weigh the consequences of their behavior as I ‘allowed’ their
dysfunction to control my reactions.
I have tended to
live my life, believing that I was responsible for most of the indignities I
have suffered as a consequence of people’s toxic behavior because I simply did
not deserve to be treated with respect or dignity. For far too long, I suffered in silence,
beating myself up where others left off.
I buried myself within in a ton of fat, masking my physical ‘beauty.’
I had learned as
a young adult that I attracted men – most especially those men who were
incapable of entering into healthy relationships. Individual men who were ‘broken’ on some
fundamental, caring level seemed drawn to me, as I was ‘attracted’ to them. I seriously doubt any of these men acted
consciously in choosing someone else who was as ‘emotionally stunted’ [as they
themselves were], but nonetheless, I have never experienced anything like an
emotionally healthy, loving, caring relationship.
I no longer
believe I am unworthy of being treated with dignity and respect. I no longer believe I do not deserve to be
loved. However, it is excruciatingly
difficult to change a lifetime of dysfunctional behavior – even if that
behavior is destructive and wholly unwarranted.
My challenge
these days is forgiving myself for having wasted the precious years of my
life. This is a grueling form of transformation
for me and I have not yet completely navigated this emotionally stormy aspect
of living my life. I continue to believe
I am capable of doing what I must so that I am able to feel balanced in living
the remaining years of my life. And yet
. . . I continue to struggle.
I have concluded
that nobody is responsible for how I have failed. Nobody is responsible for making me feel good
about myself. This is my sole
responsibility. While I am grateful for
embracing this consciousness, I remain feeling stuck in the quagmire of my
emotional maelstrom. I continue to
wonder what it will take for me to make all the necessary changes that will
enable to finally believe and know that the past is the past and, no matter
what, I cannot change any part of it.
I must simply ‘let
go,’ stand in the moment and accept what is.
Stephanie Doty
Weary of Wonderland [originally posted in Until Next Time 09.09.13]
February 28, 2014
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/
Stephanie Doty
Weary of Wonderland [originally posted in Until Next Time 09.09.13]
February 28, 2014
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/
